The Blanket

You would think that after all this time that my heart and mind would be more at peace when I enter through those gates on the mountain. But for some reason, I can't get accustomed to the procedure. I can't get used to seeing her in prison garb and having to do things in certain ways. I can't adjust to not holding her hand too long. I have a kink in my neck from watching the guards watch me. Knowing that their eyes and ears are watching and listening, that a video camera is taping my every move. It breaks my heart each time. Yet to see her stride across the room with a smile is worth it all. We went to see her a week ago. Frank, Jaron and I. It was the first time in 5 years that we were all together, other than her sentencing...at that point we couldn't even talk to her. So we sat at the table and laughed, talked, ate from a vending machine and played a game of "Sorry". Jaron and Krista teased each other and it felt so good to see my children interact. I looked around the table and was so thankful that we had this opportunity. Krista may be in prison but she is alive.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. July 2010...about 13 months to go. But it will be a hard 13 months. Time is passing so slowly for her. Her world is very small and life in there is taking its toll. She has struggled in her health and her emotions find themselves all over the map. She needs your prayers as she gets past this last year...she needs prayer for her paperwork to be completed, her papers are set for her to be in Kansas since she was arrested there. We need to get them changed for Kentucky and this isn't always easy.

Valerie is in Ct and Rena is in Minn. This has been another adjustment for her. But I know that she will be okay.

Thank you from all of us for your love and prayers. Our life in Kentucky has been quite the adventure...I have missed Canada so much but know that God has placed us here. I went up to Vulcan, Alberta to visit, the end of March. It was sooo good to see friends, people who know and love Krista. My heart was stirred as I was at Pat and Laurie Schneiders and Logan took me to his room to show me his stuff. I have talked about Logan before on this blog. Krista loves him as if he were her own little brother. He is 11 years old. As he showed me his treasures, he showed me a blanket on the end of his bed. I recognized it immediately. Krista has made it for him in the prison, she had sent it to me and I sent it on to Logan. As he showed me the blanket, he explained to me that he did not sleep with it. I didn't have time to react as he continued. "I don't want to get it dirty because then it will have to be washed!" He picked up the blanket and buried his nose in it..."Smell it, it smells like Krista. If I wash it then her smell will go away." Tears flowed down my cheeks, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have my own blanket and feel the same way. How many times have I buried my nose in it, taken a deep intake of breath and smelled my daughter. She is sooo loved by so many. Thank you for your love for her. We wouldn't make it without your love and prayers!

The following is a message from Krista to you all!

Hey Everyone,
How are you all?? As for me I am doing good. I just had a wonderful visit with mom, dad and Jaron. We had lots of fun. I forgot how funny I am! Sorry I haven't updated for awhile but honestly not much happens here for me to report. I work in Safety now and it's a good job. I get lots of off time to work on my tan. Yes I am getting nice and dark.. well does red count as dark?? I mean it is a different color than white!! I am very dedicated to my working out. I have lost 11 lbs since March. That is good for me. I have a few more to go. I have been trying to stay busy since both my bestfriends are gone. Rena is in Minn. and Val is in Ct. so I am the last of the Mohicans! It's lonely in here at times but when God closes one door he opens another. I think it's good for me to establish some independency since I can be so reliant on others. I still have a few good friends but it's not the same. Well that's about it for me. Love you and Miss you!! Thanks for all your prayers!!
Krista

Krista's Christmas Greetings!

Dear Friends,
The following letter is from Krista to you as her Christmas greeting. She asked me to post it on the blog for all to read. If you want to leave comments for her I will copy them for her. I know some of you only know her through her story...that is okay, send her a greeting so she knows how loved she is!!!
Love ,
Shari




Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
It's been a crazy year and I appreciate everyone's prayers and support. I know so much has changed for our family and I've gotten a few Christmas letters and read about your lives that have changed too. I am looking forward to 2009 because it's my last whole year in prison. As my mom would say we are down to onesy's !! After this Christmas I have one more Christmas, New Years and 2 Birthdays.
I have a new job here in Hazelton. I am working at commissary and so far I love it. I get to shop all day so that is up my ally! :) I fill baskets full of orders and then the girls come in and purchase it. It's a lot of running around and more physical than my last job but I like it. Plus I like the girls I work with which makes a big difference. Rena should be leaving sometime early this year and I am the last of the Mohican's. I don't have any more of my original CCA girls :( CCA girls are the girls who were in the federal holding facility in Leavenworth ,Kansas together. It'll be very hard for us to be separated as we are close. Valerie is in Danbury Conn. now. I will probably be doing the last of my time here. As of now I have 19 1/2 months til I am eligible for halfway house. I will stay busy til then. I workout still and I am losing quite a bit of weight and much more healthy. I feel good. My hair is growing out fast and I am definitely enjoying being 22... unfortunately I will be 23 next month! I am getting old! Hehe. I stay as busy as possible and stay out of trouble. I really do appreciate everyone's prayers and love. You all are so important to me. No one could ever understand what it's like to be in here and know that everyone one of you is out there supporting me. It feels great. Thank you and have a great holiday!!! Happy 2009!!
Love
Krista

A Cup of Cold Water

I thought I knew what compassion was...I thought that I was a sensitive person, I mean after all I was a Christian; I was a pastor’s wife. I have worn a beaten path on the road of sorrow as I have dealt with issues from my own past...surly this made me a caring person. I have to admit, I have found a new level of compassion over the past several years.

Since Krista's incarceration I have met many young women...young women who have made choices that affect not only them but their families as well. Before Krista's situation I never really gave much thought to women in prisons. I figured that they did the crime then they can do the time. I do think there are consequences to actions but I also know that when I was in the pit of my own sin that Jesus did not pass me by. He did not look down on me and tell me that I deserved to go to hell. He looked in love upon me and reached down His hand and lifted me right out of my sinfulness. He gave me that 2nd chance in life.

I want the love of God to shape my life. I want it to seep out of every pore in my body. As I sit in the visiting room and wait for my sweet daughter to walk through that metal door I watch the other inmates. The room is never full, and often it is the same people I saw on my last visit. It fills me with sadness as I realize that out of 800 women behind those walls this handful of people are all who are there to offer support.

One of the women that I see every time is a girl named Renée. Krista buys picture tickets at commissary and Renée comes in to take the pictures. She sits at a table alone as she waits to take the inmate and their families pictures. How many pictures has she taken...pictures of people who cared enough to make the journey to see their daughter, their mother, their grandmother, yet I have never seen anyone visit her. She has been in the prison for years. I don't know her crime, but I know that she needs to know that she has value. The first visit she clicked our pics and I just thanked her. The second visit, I looked at the camera she uses. The next visit, I gave her tips on photography. Now, I know her by name and she shows the poses on the back of the digital camera and asks me what I think. I thank her by name, I chat and I try to let God's love spill over on her as I touch her shoulder, as I bless her. Soon, she will be released after almost 20 years behind bars. My prayer is that as she goes out of those gates she will remember that someone thought she had enough value to spend some time with her, to encourage her, to not be repulsed by the fact she is a felon, to let her know she had value.

There are as many stories as there are faces in that prison. I often think about the walls and what they would say if they could talk. Would they talk about the crimes of their prisoners or would they talk of the cries that are sobbed into a pillow in the middle of the night? In the darkness when the lights are out, the walls are the audience of the quiet prayers, the clutching of the pillows pretending it is their child, and the pleas for retaining their sanity in a place that does not know peace.

When we think of these women do you see scenes of CSI or Law and Order or do you see as the walls do...daughters of crack addicted mothers, fathers who are dead or in prison, women who made bad choices that snowballed, women who became drug mules to pay the rent...choices that landed them in a prison not only physical but emotionally too. Many of these women have no support. They can't understand how Krista ended up there when she was so loved. As she calls on the phone I hear voices in the background..."Love you, Mom" She tells me who each voice is and I tell her to tell them that I love them. For some it is the only love they have...love from me, hopefully from a life shaped by God.

My challenge to you in writing this is to say this: Let God's love shape your life. Ask Him to let you be an instrument in someone else’s life. It doesn't have to be a big production. It is a simple offering of love to someone who so desperately needs it. Look around you; you may be surprised by what you see.

Just a cup of cold water in His name...

Lessons of Faith

I want to thank you all for all the prayers for Krista. It is so comforting to know that people are entering the throne room of God, beseeching Him for my daughters cause and health. Our emotions were all over the place. Trying to function when you just want the world to stop for even a moment. Dealing with sickness is a difficult issue at the best of times, but the prospect of dealing with cancer with your daughter being behind bars is enough to make you wonder if you if can handle another hurdle. A dear friend of mine was faithful in reminding me of Abraham's faith. How that God changed his name before the promise was fulfilled. Abram went from being Abram to Abraham which means Father of many nations.... here was this childless man proclaiming to everyone he came into contact with that he was the father of many nations. That takes a lot of courage... a lot of faith. Faith, believing in what we can not see, touch or feel...believing that the impossible is actually Possible! We say that with Christ all things are possible but do we believe it? Do we proclaim in faith that which we have not seen come to pass yet? I am so guilty...I believe, help thou my unbelief! I tried to have that faith, but moments of fear, worry and panic would overtake my soul. As I thought of Abraham, I remembered that even he had moments of unbelief. He didn't leave the promise in God's hands but took things into his own hands by having relations with his servant. There were consequences of his unbelief yet God did not take His promise away but continued to fulfill it in spite of Abraham's moment of sin. My moments of worry, fear and unbelief had their own consequences as I struggled with panic attacks for a few days. But God has kept His promise... I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has spared Krista... not of her pain, not of prison, not of the past but He spared her very life. The moment He did not allow the gun that was held in her mouth that fateful night to go off...the moment He allowed her to be arrested...in those moments He spared her. He didn't bring her this far to leave her now. I began to feel a peace that God would show up and He did. The biopsy is clear...she is high risk but that Doctor was wrong, she does not have cancer! God is still in control!

Oh, God give me a stubborn faith. A faith to proclaim in spite of not being able to see the results.I was taught a lesson, a lesson of what faith truly is, a lesson that God still shows up as He did so many times before. Look back over your life, the good times and the difficult times. I see ...in the most painful times, the moments of utter loss , the trail of tears, the hard moves of life that God was there all the time. In the times where I was so distraught in my human emotions He was working behind the scenes and because of the veil of pain and loss I could not see.

Frank & I went to see Krista and as I held her in my arms, enfolding her and breathing in her very scent...I praised Him.

A Call to Prayer

This morning, August 19th started out like any other morning. I fired up the laptop and went to my hotmail account to check my emails. The first one that caught my eye was from Rena. Rena is an inmate in the same prison as Krista. She is one of our "daughters" as we along with some friends are her only support. I clicked on the message and as my eyes moved across the lines it seemed my brain couldn't take in the words. She was telling me that they had taken Krista to R & D...R & D is receiving and departures! Why would they take her there? I read the fear written between the lines in Rena's email and instantly responded back . I asked her to email if she heard anything. If they were moving Krista then word would trickle back to the girls through the guards. Tears began to course down my cheeks as I just felt so helpless. I didn't know what was happening to her, what were they doing? I called Frank at work and instantly he was concerned.


Krista has been told she is going to be able to go to a prison camp but the paper work has not even been started. If she was being moved it wasn't to a prison camp it would be to another prison. They could send her anywhere in the United States. Moving is a stressful experience as you are shackled together with other inmates and your chains are locked to the floor of the plane and your hands to your waist. I woke Jaron, our son, filled him in and he just looked dazed. We just all felt so helpless, so in the dark...a feeling that is so out of control. I called some friends and asked for prayer.





I had to go to work but was in tears. I walked into the shoe department and my manager saw me and instantly came and put her arms around me and asked what was wrong. I sobbed out what I could and went into the back stock room. I needed to get myself under control. I walked to the back of that stock room and sobbed like a baby. I leaned against a metal shelf and just let the tears come. Pent up emotions of fear, the what ifs and the need to be there for my child.





I was putting a shoe on a lady when my cell rang. I excused myself and another worker immediately saw me and took over my customer so I could go in the back. I looked at the face of my cell phone and it said Unavailable I.D ...it was Krista. Her voice came on, quiet, quivering, frightened..."Mom? Mom, they took me to a doctor outside the prison." I asked her why and then I heard an answer that felt like someone socked me in the gut..."Mom, the doctor told me I have cervical cancer!"





The rest of the conversation felt like a blur. She explained the procedure they did today. She told me about being taken in the office in her handcuffs and leg shackles. How she felt so embarrassed as she was led by other patients in the waiting room. She had no clue what she was doing there. She had a pap smear in January and nothing was said. They took her into a room and the guard sat down beside her. The doctor came in and informed Krista that she had cancer. "My jaw hit the floor,Mom!" She went on to tell me how she just felt numb but that the female guard with her began to ask the doctor questions, questions that needed to be asked but Krista was too floored to think to ask.



The bottom line is this...they sent a sample away and within 2 weeks we all will know what stage it is in. The treatment will then be decided.



Krista called again tonight and as she sobbed her fears came out clearly. She is afraid of how advanced it may be and she is afraid she will never be able to bear children. Krista had never wanted anything more than to be a mother.

I told her that we would all pray...



So my friends...I am asking you, Krista is asking you...please pray that this is just an early stage and can be treated easily. This is a call to prayer...a call for God to show up as He has so many times before. I have seen the hand of God save her very life from the brink of death as a loaded cocked pistol was pressed inside her mouth, I have seen God help overcome the darkness that would steal her very soul, I have seen His hand guide the paperwork that sent her to W.V to be with friends who can care for her and I have seen the power of His grace. He has shown Himself in ways I did not recognize until later, I have seen Him in the midst of tears, in laughter, in the complex issues and the simple joys of life...He was there and He is here. I believed Him then, I believe Him now. He gave grace then, He'll pave the road before us with grace and I will wrap His love, mercy and healing around my child who sits behind fences, walls and guard towers!

Only a Boy

He is 10 years old. A child, a beautiful blonde haired , blue eyed boy named Logan. A little boy who loves a girl named Krista. The feeling is mutual. His mother, Laurie is my best friend. His sister, Kelly is Krista's best friend.

It was a night that we would laugh about for years to come. Laurie told Krista she needed to tell her something. Krista saw a serious face on this second mother of hers and her heart raced. Something was wrong. Laurie told Krista she had been to the doctor and had a condition. Krista began to cry, sure she was going to hear bad news....only to find out that Laurie and her husband , Pat were expecting a baby. Her 12 year old eyes lit up with excitment and in the midst of her tears a smile spread across her face. From the moment Logan entered this world, Krista was crazy about him. She loved him as if he was her own little brother and he loved her.

Krista moved to the states in April of 2004 and she came home for Christmas. We didn't tell Logan but planned to surprise him. Finally the day came that she came home. We drove out to their farm and down the road a ways we pulled over and stopped the car. I popped the trunk and Krista climbed in. We closed the trunk and drove into the yard. I hurried into the house and told Logan ,who was about 6 years old, that I had a present for him in my trunk. We went out and I opened the trunk and Krista sat up...he screamed and threw himself into the trunk with her.

That next year she was arrested the beginning of December. Christmas was coming. In the midst of her tears and the uncertainity of life she was worried about a Christmas present for Logan. I bought him a soft stuffed polar bear. I wrapped a box in brown paper and addressed it to him. He knew that she was in jail but was thrilled when his mother brought the package into the house. He opened the present and hugged the bear. He has slept with the bear for the past 3 years...every single night. A nightly ritual has developed as he goes to bed...he has a picture of Krista beside his bed , he looks at it and says good night to her and snuggles with his bear. His "Krista Bear".

She has stayed in contact as he writes her and talks to her on the phone. She sends him letters with pictures she draws. Her fear is that he will forget her...it has been 3 years since he saw her.

Just a few weeks ago Pat , Laurie , Logan & I made the trip to go see her. We wondered how it would go...would he be shy? Would he be scared in a prison? Krista worried that he would be upset. We got into the visitation room and Logan asked for a roll of quarters. He wanted his own money to buy Krista treats from the vending machine. He slipped the coins in his pockets and watched for the door to open that would allow her to come in. It swung open and she walked in...a smile across her face as Logan rushed towards her. His arms open wide as he hugged her. She bent over to embrace him as she wept. He held on and snuggled into her arms. We all cried. The bond was there. We sat at a table and he sat as close as he could. His blue eyes so alive as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of coins. "Want a treat, Krista?" he asked. She smiled as she nodded. They got up and went towards the vending machine hand in hand. She stopped at the point she could go no further, he let go of her hand and without missing a beat he asked her what she wanted.

It was a week end of laughter, of tears , of stories, of watching a little boy bring so much joy into a young woman's heart. The other women inmates were taken with this handsome boy who was so loving. They talked to him and he responded with the ease of someone who doesn't know judgment but only unconditional love. They smiled and you could see the lines of worry and pain leave their faces for just a moment...he is only a boy but he taught a lesson that many need to learn. A lesson in loving. He went to the motel that night and from his suitcase he pulled out a special item he had brought from home...his "Krista Bear".

No Manual

There isn't a manual available for parents with children in prison. There is no layout on the proper things to do, to say or how to cope with the pain. When my cell phone rings and I see in the window "Unavailable ID" my heart flutters. I am so happy to know that she is okay because she is on the other end of the line but I also have to take a deep breath because I don't know what I am going to be facing.

Her days are filled with chaos and noise. Women talking, doors banging and tempers flaring. She is in a women's prison that is overcrowded, there is no room and now they have begun to lock them down even earlier. Krista has been living in the bus stop for the past 6 weeks or so. She and Rena moved to Val's unit so they could be housed in the same building. Last winter was tough as in order to see Val they would have to stand outside in the cold. You can't go in a building that is not your own. There was one bed open and the two girls. Krista called "I'm in the bus stop , Mom." The bus stop is a large room that houses 14 to 15 women. They share one toilet that is located in the cell. It is not a fun place to be...locked down at night with these women.

I asked her why she is in the bus stop. She tells me there was one bed available and she knew Rena would not be able to handle living with all those women. Krista took a deep breath. "So, I went into the bus stop." My heart felt heavy. I knew this could be a long ordeal. What do I say?
There is no manual for what to say...how can I tell her it would be alright, it sounded so cliche.
I cleared my throat and wiped the tears away..."I know it will be hard, honey. I am proud of you for doing what was best for your friend. We will pray that a room opens up."

I question myself as I wait for her reply...did I comfort her, did I make her feel alright? How can anyone feel alright in a place like prison. Her reply "Thanks mom. It will be okay."

Phone calls and tears. The bus stop is a hard place to adjust too. A woman in there has a disease that Krista fears and at night she moans and scratchs herself until she draws blood. The phone rings...caller: Unavailable I.D . "I can't sleep , Mom. They are never quiet. They don't have jobs yet and I do. I have to get up early."

No manual to tell me what to say...this isn't a rooming situation where you can just politely ask someone to be quiet. you are in a room of women who are detoxing and smell so horrible. This is a room that holds drug dealers, murderers, bank robbers and the list goes on. Krista has had to learn to walk that fine line of standing up for herself without causing a big situation.

Sometimes the phone rings and her voice tells me so much. Her frustration level is so high and she is afraid she will just lose it. She can't make it another day...there is no manual for how you tell your child, your sweet daughter that she will be okay in prison. I try to assure that we are here for her, that she is very loved and she is going to be okay.

There is no human manual on what to do but there is a road map to guide us through this valley of tears. God's Word gives us the hope that keeps our feet moving. It gives us the words to bless our girls in that prison and to picture a future for them.

Last night the phone rang : "Unavailable I.D". I answered..."Hello Sweetie" and I heard a voice, a sweet voice that you could tell was smiling "I got out of the bus stop today!"

Childhood Friends Come Together

I remember reading once about a child being scared during a thunderstorm running into his parents room and jumping into bed with them. The father reminded the child that he was never alone but that God was with him...the little boy snuggled closer to his father and said "Yes, I know God is with me but sometimes I need someone with skin on!" That is what true friendship is...God's love coming from someone with skin on!



In life, we are blessed by so many forms of friendships but that deep friendship that runs true through thick or thin is rare to find...but once you experience it is something you never want to let go of...

Krista has found this so true...she has some of those gems in her life.



Kelly was and is Krista's best friend. They met when they were 8 years old. That was 14 years ago...14 years of memories, 14 years of creating a bond that even prison could not break!

I remember when we travelled as families to Frank's parents farm, the girls quickly latched onto the old farm truck...with Kelly's little sister, Sharla sitting between them they would take turns driving around the perimeter of the farm...for hours! They were two peas in a pod. Both had senses of humor that would bring you to tears, they were sweet, they were caring and they created a bond that went beyond the talk show videos they made, the sleep overs, the trips, the shopping, going to school together... they created a bond that in the worse scenarios of life it would hold.... the love they have was there for all those great memories but it was even greater through the pain.

As we werein the midst of loading a U Haul truck with the help of our friends, as we were moving down to the States to be closer to Krista, we stopped for a moment as Laurie, Kelly's mom, had brought a video out. A video of the girls doing a remake of a song off of Grease. Krista was Danny, Sharla was Sandy and Kelly was the camera man. We sat and watched laughing and crying at the same time. It was a moment I will never forget.

Kelly has been a faithful friend. She has written Krista a lot of letters that would classify as mini novels. She has sent money so Krista could call her. Just recently Sharla and Kelly made a real sacrifice, they flew down here to see Krista. We drove the 9 hours to the prison and made it in time for visiting. We went through the process of getting into the visitation room and waited for that big metal door to open. Finally, she walked through. Her eyes scanned the room for us and then she saw the girls. She began to run and they ran...tears flowing from every eye as Krista grabbed Kelly weeping and hanging on for dear life. She next hugged Sharla, she pulled back and looked at Sharla who had gone from being a 15 year old girl to being a beautiful young woman of 18 years of age. Now, she was in my arms, the tears continuing to flow...the emotional flood gates of waiting for this visit, for seeing these girls after 3 years of separation had hit the heart.

It was a wonderful weekend. Lots of laughs, memories and just plain old catching up. Krista talked to each of us alone...wanting the best for each of us. Wanting to share her heart privately to each in her unique way.

Our goodbyes were hard. Tears at leaving her behind, her tears of being left behind. I found it difficult to go. A lot of water has passed under the bridge of life since those girls made their home made videos. The last video made was sent to the Judge who sentenced Krista. Kelly poured her heart out. As Krista sat in that court room and watched that video for the first time, seeing her friend talk about who Krista is and how she deserved a second chance...well, Krista just sat there and wept...this was true friendship at its peak, this was Jonathan and David friendship...this is a friendship that walls of barbed wire, guards, keys, and guard towers can not destroy... it is sisterhood!

Behind the Wall

Before being sent to W.V , Krista was in a holding facility from Dec 2005 until August of 2006. It was built just like a prison but smaller. Instead of being run by the state or by the feds it was run by a private company for the Marshals. She was allowed outside in a small courtyard for 1 hour of the day if the weather was decent. The facility was surrounded by fences and barb wire. Inside, the place was packed wall to wall with women. If you were new, you either slept on the floor of a multipurpose room or if you were lucky enough to be placed in a cell you had to sleep on a thin mat on the floor until a cell mate was moved out to another prison. It was a place of drama, fighting and emotional pain. So many women crowded with no place to go to be by themselves was a situation made for constant panic and chaos. Women were always being placed in the hole...there you were locked away by yourself and you would think it would create a place of peace for the moment but instead it created fear and panic.

Krista found that friendship in prison was based on 2 groups...those who made bad choices and wanted a new life and those who can't wait to go back to the life that landed them in there. She meet different people who filled her life with moments of joy in the midst of such emotional pain.
One lady was named Jym...a lovely older lady who was in on a probation violation. Jym had spent alot of her years making bad choices, she had a daughter that she really didn't know how to relate with. Jym would read my letters to Krista to know how to write her own daughter. Krista asked for us to buy Jym a Bible...we have bought many Bibles for the women in Krista's life.

Thanksgiving Day, Krista and her friends heard yelling in Jym's cell. A woman was in there beating her. The guards were no where to be seen, they were watching a football game. Krista got herself and her friends to bust a door open that was jammed. They were pulling the woman off of Jym when the guards came in. Krista and her friends were put in the hole for interfering. I was so proud of her! A guard brought her a phone and allowed her to call us so we would know what had happened. Most of the guards liked Krista, so that did help her.

Krista was calling home often for help for other women. Krista was the youngest in there and the only one who did not have a child. Yet she was the nurturer. She would buy extra rice and noodles, soap, shampoo etc to share with new inmates who did not have anything. The food was awful in the facility. The women would take the food and add items they would buy from the commissary to create something edible. Those who had some money shared with those who didn't. Krista was drawing pictures and coloring them for Mothers to use as stationary to write their children on. We would buy cards and send in coloring book pictures for her to use as guides.
She worried about the kids whose moms were in there. Some of them had not talked to their children in months. Krista began to tell us the stories of these women's lives and we could hear the voices behind the walls. Stories of women raising their kids on their own who had never done drugs but they were going to be evicted from their homes or apartments and so made the bad choice of becoming a drug mule. Carrying drugs across the country. One girl got caught on her first ever trip. She had been in about 6 months and Krista wanted her to be able to talk to her children. We sent her money to buy a phone card. In the midst of Krista telling us and wishing for more phone cards an idea began to form. I had already been speaking in churches before Krista's arrest but had stopped because of our emotional pain. But the time had come to get out of the ashes and get to not only living but to bring a little joy behind those old walls. I went to a church and shared Krista's story. They took an offering and over $3000.00 was raised. We bought phone cards and Bibles...it was amazing! Our local church raised money and other churches and even a few youth groups! We have helped a lot of girls because of Krista's story.
It isn't easy to have your life mistakes talked about publicly but Krista wants others to see how quickly situations and choices can snowball.

Behind those walls is someones daughter, someones mother, someones sister...many are forgotten but their voices echo as they cry out for help, for love...for hope. We have what they need, if we listen.

Letters from Home

The first week was spent hanging over a toilet, my stomach unable to comprehend anything but my nerves creating havoc. All I could think of was Krista in jail...scared, crying, and alone. Her case was plastered on the media and she begged us not to come until it died down. She was fearful because of the circumstances of the case. Jaron went to see her and it just about did him in. They both just cried.

The media was saying that she would be in her 80's before she was released. The newspapers online had blogs that classified her as the lowest of life forms and that she must have been raised by monsters. They only had one side of the story, much of it false information. The t.v showed her for her first court appearance...she looked so fragile, so scared and the one newscast actually said there had to be more to the story - "She has the face of an angel."

Our home had people stopping by to bring food, to ask what they could do, to console, to offer any kind of help...word spread quickly in the community and I had people stop me on the street who knew Krista to tell me little stories of things she had done for them. Total strangers stopped by my house with notes to send to her. They would say..."You don't know me but your daughter once helped me". It was amazing and yet humbling at the same time to see how many lives she had touched.

Krista was arrested right before Christmas. I had written a drama entitled "Letters from Home"...it was a story of an angel who was the heavenly mail carrier...he delivered messages over the centuries of time even today. One scene was a young girl standing alone by a burning old barrel trying to keep warm. She lived on the streets, had run away from home...the angel put a letter in her backpack that her mother had written to her. A letter full of love for a daughter who had become a prodigal, who had left for a distant land, who lived in the pig pen of life, at the bottom of the well... a letter telling her no matter what that she loved her and wanted her home. As this scene played out, tears became to roll as people related this scene to Krista, you could hear little catch sobs, hear sniffles and blowing of the noses...it was sad yet so powerful...

Krista had been the prodigal, at the bottom of the well and yet God in His mercy spared her life. She knows that had she not been arrested she would have been dead. He gave her a second chance. The church used a mailbox as part of it's decorations for that program and it began to fill up with cards and letters to Krista...I put them all in a several big envelopes and sent them off. The guard came to her cell a few days later and said "I don't know where you are from but I want you to know you have good people" and he handed her the packets...she wept, letters from home.

This is a writing Krista wrote in the first few weeks of her ordeal.

Escape to Heaven
By Krista M. Harris

My mind tries to escape this reality
Which has become a constant fatality
To a place beyond these cold walls
It’s what my heart longs for and my soul calls
It pulls me to warmth, comfort and no pain.
This is not a factual place, just a brief mind frame.
Here I’m never lonely, never in any danger,
My soul rests, never conflicted with anger.
A loving touch, a warm embrace
I lie in the grass; let the sun kiss my face.
At this moment no stress nor a tear
I have no problems, no feelings of fear
Am I asleep or day dreaming?
Or is comfort what I’m feigning?
Much too happy in my ignorance to ponder this
I’m able to be uplifted, enjoying my personal bliss.
As I relax I slowly slip into a deep trance
Into a magical land where every wish it grants
I’m in heaven and it’s all through my vision
Then I stir… blink and realize….
I’m still in prison.

Copyright Mud Pie Productions 2006

My Daughter's House

My Daughter's House...what a funny name for a blog you might say. As you, our friends ,know our daughter, Krista is currently in a federal prison. The girls call their cells "home". It is the only "home" they know at this point and for some of them it has been home or will be home for years.

Krista...Krista has a magnetic personality. She is sweet. She is~ roll on the floor until you are crying funny! Krista is loving and cuddly. Krista is the type of person that you are so happy to have in your life...she is unique. Having said all that , Krista went through a time of great questioning...of her faith, of her values & even of her belief in God.

Krista went to stay with Frank's sister for a summer...there she met some people. She felt she could be an influence. Before we knew it, she was living with a guy and everything went down hill from there.He was into dealing drugs, he was controlling and became abusive. To make a long story short...he went back to prison for a parole violation and she broke up with him. He got out and stalked her. Wanting her to come back to him. She had moved on and had another boyfriend..things began to heat up. She was scared but her boyfriend didn't want to move away because of his mother. She was not well and he felt he needed to be close. Her boss offered her a gun to protect herself and we told her not to take it.

Krista was called and asked to come over to a friends apartment. She went and her ex was there.
She was stripped, she was held at gunpoint, a loaded gun cocked and held in her mouth for 45 minutes. Finally she was let go and told the next time he saw her she would be dead. She went to her boss. She wanted to protect herself. She asked for the gun. He said a friend had it. Unknown to her he was an ex con and a confidential informant. He called an undercover officer and told him she wanted her ex killed. They met and she was asked to trade something for the gun. She offered cocaine. She went and got it and the discussion turned to killing the ex...they led her, she panicked and in the end she agreed to have him killed.

I will never forget that Saturday morning as long as I live. The phone rang and it was Krista's boyfriend sobbing on the other end of the line. "I'm so sorry" he sobbed "I'm so sorry". I asked him where Krista was and all he could do was cry. Finally, I felt the rage of a mother bear over her cub... I wanted to know yet I didn't...because I thought she was dead. "Where is my daughter?" I demanded in a firm voice. His voice finally came through, "She is in jail."
I was stunned. "In jail? For what?" His answer came out in the midst of sobs "Conspiracy to commit murder in the first degree and drug trafficking."

My knees gave way and I hit the floor crying out "Oh God, no! No, God , please no!" Together on the phone we sobbed. My best friend, Laurie walked in the house and knew something was horribly wrong. My baby, my Krista was sitting in a jail.

Frank was outside. I went out and told him. His face went white. We got on the phone and called the county jail. I asked if Krista was being held there. The officer assured me that he was sitting across the desk from her. He handed the phone to her and all she could say was "I am so sorry". We all cried.

That was a dark day. I had two photo shoots to do and had just talked to my daughter who was crying so hard that it rattled me to the core. Frank and I decided not to say anything to our church yet. We called our family & my best friend knew. Laurie, my best friend was in shock too. Her daughter , Kelly and Krista were best friends and had been for years. Krista calls Laurie her 2nd mom! Together we cried and she helped calm me down enough to do my shoots. The only other person I told was Carol Mullins. Doug and Carol had been my pastors when I was about 10 years old. I would sit with her on Sunday nights and pretend she was my mom. My mom died when I was 2 and my home life was not good. The month before in Nov, I found her. I had looked for a very long time - wanting to thank her for what she had meant to me. I found her and 2 weeks later Krista was arrested and once again she was there when I needed her.

We decided to call a special church board meeting for that Monday night. As we told them , cries came out and tears flowed. Everyone was upset, this was not something you would expect from Krista. Krista was known for compassion, Krista was the child who when she was in first grade had us drive her an hour and a half each way to see a little boy who was in her class that was in the children's hospital with cancer. Krista is the child who motivated us to sing Christmas carols to him outside his home in minus 20 degree weather because he couldn't come out. Krista is the person that stood up for the underdogs, who went on mission trips and held sick heads over toilets when they all got sick, Krista is the girl who volunteered at the hospital to read to the patients and cried when they passed on. Krista is the teen who worked in a nursing home as an aide and gave up her Christmas so a mother could be home with her kids, Krista is the person who along with a friend rescued a man from a burning truck, Krista is the person who would fill her car with friends to go see her friend, Ryan who lost the use of his body in an accident and was living in the hospital...this was the Krista they knew...now she was on suicide watch, wearing a paper gown and vomiting because she was so scared. The church stood beside us. Helping to pay for our flights to the states, sending letters to the judge, writing Krista and sending her money and books.

Frank and I took turns flying to the states so she would have more visits. I flew down the first time with Laurie. We rented a car and drove to the holding facility. She had been moved from the county jail. We parked in the lot and I looked at the fences, the razor wire, the gates that separated us and I wept. The next day we went for our visit. My nerves were keyed up...I didn't know what to expect, there is no manual for visiting your child in prison. We walked into a room that had little cubicles like in an ace school. It was like a horseshoe, and instead of a wall there was Plexiglas and telephones. We saw Krista in the corner and as I walked up she looked in my eyes and sobbed...I picked up the phone and heard"I'm so sorry, mom. I am so sorry."

We took turns visiting with her for the next 2 hours and laughed and cried. I asked her where her birthstone ring was that her dad and I had bought her. It was stolen that fateful night. I told her I wanted to get her a ring and I would wear it until the day she was free as a symbol that this painful season didn't come to stay that it would pass. That someday I would put the ring on her finger. She cried. It was time to say goodbye, to leave her there...I put my hand on the glass and she placed hers there, it was the closest we could get..she kissed at the glass and I kissed her back. We were both crying now. I went to leave, looking back I saw her inmate friends surround her, they were comforting her as she stood there tears rolling down her cheeks.

We stayed a few days as she had a court appearance. We sat in the court as they brought her in. Her legs shackled, wearing little floppy shoes as she tried to get to her seat. They had uncuffed her hands before she came in so she waved and mouthed "I love you". I had asked the lawyer to ask the Marshalls if I could hug her before they led her out again. The hearing finished and I saw her lawyer talk to the Marshall and his head shook out the answer "No". Krista hearing this conversation began to cry hard and I lost it. Her lawyer who is a christian gathered my daughter in her arms and held her...I saw her whisper in Krista's ear. They led her away, shuffling her feet. As she walked by I cried out "I love you!" She looked at me and I held a ring up, she nodded her head. I had bought a ring over the weekend for her, our symbol...I wanted her to know that I had kept my promise.
They led her to a door and the Marshall pulled out his cuffs..."Please," I heard her say "Please, not in front of my mom".He turned his body and stood where I couldn't see, cuffed her and she was gone. I stumbled out of the court room heart broken, so close to touching her and yet so far. I leaned against he wall, my friend with her arms around me as she cried herself. Krista's lawyer came out and walked up to me and without saying anything she took me in her arms and then after a few moments she said " I hugged your daughter and as I did I told her "Krista, this hug is from your mother! Now Shari, I am telling you this hug is from your daughter!" The flood gates were now completely open. Reality was more than complete.

Court dates are set and broken. Krista had a wonderful female lawyer who went beyond the call of duty! Her charges were down graded to trying to negotiate a murder for hire by telephone. They dropped the drug charges. Krista was set to go to trial on Oct 31st 2006 but they wanted her to testify against the person who helped her get the drugs. She refused. Her lawyer had a conflict of interest with the person who sold the drugs and if Krista went to trial she would have to get a new lawyer..t he new lawyer was going to make her testify against the person who got the drugs in order to save Krista and get her less time. Krista said "This is my sin, my issue. I can't look in the mirror every morning knowing I am free because I told on someone else." So she settled with a plea bargain of 7 years and the agreement that we could argue at sentencing for lesser time.

We were exhausted. We knew that Krista was going to serve time and we needed to be in the States as we were living and pastoring in Canada. Frank once again called a special board meeting and he resigned. The motion needed to be made to accept his resignation. you could hear a pin drop. No one would make the motion. They offered a sabbatical but we knew it would be years before Krista would be allowed to cross the border. Finally they made a motion that because of their love for Krista they would accept Frank's resignation... A churches love not only for their pastor but for a little girl they had known since she was 8 years old!

We went back and forth trying to decide where to move. We had no clue where Krista would be sent...before our move I decided to go see Krista and go to see a friend of hers who had been moved to Fort Worth , Texas. This girl had saved Krista from a beating by another inmate. I also decided to go and see Sherrill and Linda Stiles. Linda had been another person who had influenced me so much in my youth....oh, the hours at camps that she listened to me rattle on! She agreed to go with me to visit the prison in Fort Worth. It was a great time and we saw Shawn, Laurie and their family. Nathan was undergoing treatments and it tore my heart up to see him so unwell. We also met up with Leeman, Stacy and their family. It was a time for rest in my heart before the storm to come. I spoke to Stiles church and it was amazing to see Krista's story touch hearts and lives.

I went home ready to move when I received a phone call. I had been dizzy and had some tests before my trip and the results were in...it looked like their was something on my brain. Well, our medical insurance was in Canada so to make a long story short...we moved Frank and all our belongings to the States so he could be close to not only Krista but our son, Jaron as well. Jaron was not dealing well with the situation at all. A decision had to be made and Frank moved and I stayed. I lived with my friends , Pat & Laurie Schneider for about 9 months. I have a noncancerous tumor on my hearing nerve. It is still there as it is too delicate at this point to operate on.

Krista was sentenced in March 2007. It was a 2 day sentencing as they allowed us to argue. She had been examined and was found to be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome and showed all the signs of a battered woman. The undercover cop came forward to the judge and admitted that they led Krista in the decision of the murder for hire. There was a huge support system for Krista but in the end the judge gave her 5 years 10 months. It was gut wrenching. Her lawyer thought she go free or at the most be in a few months. We had bought clothes to bring her home.

So in July of 2007 Krista was taken to W.V to the federal prison there. I moved to the States in Oct and went to see her. What a day it was... I hadn't touched my daughter in over 2 years and now I would be holding her! I was in the visitation room, nervous, excited, anxious...why didn't they hurry with her faster. The door swung open and she walked in...so beautiful, a nervous smile on her face...we hurried to each other and it was so emotional that there are no words to describe it!

Well, that is a start of what I have to say...there is so much to tell, to share..not only about Krista but about the other girls who call me their mother. Most of them have no support and we have become family. So in my daughter's house... there is chaos, there is pain, there is sorrow, there is regret but also there is something that trumps it all...in my daughter's house there is God!