You would think that after all this time that my heart and mind would be more at peace when I enter through those gates on the mountain. But for some reason, I can't get accustomed to the procedure. I can't get used to seeing her in prison garb and having to do things in certain ways. I can't adjust to not holding her hand too long. I have a kink in my neck from watching the guards watch me. Knowing that their eyes and ears are watching and listening, that a video camera is taping my every move. It breaks my heart each time. Yet to see her stride across the room with a smile is worth it all. We went to see her a week ago. Frank, Jaron and I. It was the first time in 5 years that we were all together, other than her sentencing...at that point we couldn't even talk to her. So we sat at the table and laughed, talked, ate from a vending machine and played a game of "Sorry". Jaron and Krista teased each other and it felt so good to see my children interact. I looked around the table and was so thankful that we had this opportunity. Krista may be in prison but she is alive.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. July 2010...about 13 months to go. But it will be a hard 13 months. Time is passing so slowly for her. Her world is very small and life in there is taking its toll. She has struggled in her health and her emotions find themselves all over the map. She needs your prayers as she gets past this last year...she needs prayer for her paperwork to be completed, her papers are set for her to be in Kansas since she was arrested there. We need to get them changed for Kentucky and this isn't always easy.
Valerie is in Ct and Rena is in Minn. This has been another adjustment for her. But I know that she will be okay.
Thank you from all of us for your love and prayers. Our life in Kentucky has been quite the adventure...I have missed Canada so much but know that God has placed us here. I went up to Vulcan, Alberta to visit, the end of March. It was sooo good to see friends, people who know and love Krista. My heart was stirred as I was at Pat and Laurie Schneiders and Logan took me to his room to show me his stuff. I have talked about Logan before on this blog. Krista loves him as if he were her own little brother. He is 11 years old. As he showed me his treasures, he showed me a blanket on the end of his bed. I recognized it immediately. Krista has made it for him in the prison, she had sent it to me and I sent it on to Logan. As he showed me the blanket, he explained to me that he did not sleep with it. I didn't have time to react as he continued. "I don't want to get it dirty because then it will have to be washed!" He picked up the blanket and buried his nose in it..."Smell it, it smells like Krista. If I wash it then her smell will go away." Tears flowed down my cheeks, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I have my own blanket and feel the same way. How many times have I buried my nose in it, taken a deep intake of breath and smelled my daughter. She is sooo loved by so many. Thank you for your love for her. We wouldn't make it without your love and prayers!
The following is a message from Krista to you all!
Hey Everyone,
How are you all?? As for me I am doing good. I just had a wonderful visit with mom, dad and Jaron. We had lots of fun. I forgot how funny I am! Sorry I haven't updated for awhile but honestly not much happens here for me to report. I work in Safety now and it's a good job. I get lots of off time to work on my tan. Yes I am getting nice and dark.. well does red count as dark?? I mean it is a different color than white!! I am very dedicated to my working out. I have lost 11 lbs since March. That is good for me. I have a few more to go. I have been trying to stay busy since both my bestfriends are gone. Rena is in Minn. and Val is in Ct. so I am the last of the Mohicans! It's lonely in here at times but when God closes one door he opens another. I think it's good for me to establish some independency since I can be so reliant on others. I still have a few good friends but it's not the same. Well that's about it for me. Love you and Miss you!! Thanks for all your prayers!!
Krista
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, December 12, 2008
Krista's Christmas Greetings!
Dear Friends,
The following letter is from Krista to you as her Christmas greeting. She asked me to post it on the blog for all to read. If you want to leave comments for her I will copy them for her. I know some of you only know her through her story...that is okay, send her a greeting so she knows how loved she is!!!
Love ,
Shari
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
It's been a crazy year and I appreciate everyone's prayers and support. I know so much has changed for our family and I've gotten a few Christmas letters and read about your lives that have changed too. I am looking forward to 2009 because it's my last whole year in prison. As my mom would say we are down to onesy's !! After this Christmas I have one more Christmas, New Years and 2 Birthdays.
I have a new job here in Hazelton. I am working at commissary and so far I love it. I get to shop all day so that is up my ally! :) I fill baskets full of orders and then the girls come in and purchase it. It's a lot of running around and more physical than my last job but I like it. Plus I like the girls I work with which makes a big difference. Rena should be leaving sometime early this year and I am the last of the Mohican's. I don't have any more of my original CCA girls :( CCA girls are the girls who were in the federal holding facility in Leavenworth ,Kansas together. It'll be very hard for us to be separated as we are close. Valerie is in Danbury Conn. now. I will probably be doing the last of my time here. As of now I have 19 1/2 months til I am eligible for halfway house. I will stay busy til then. I workout still and I am losing quite a bit of weight and much more healthy. I feel good. My hair is growing out fast and I am definitely enjoying being 22... unfortunately I will be 23 next month! I am getting old! Hehe. I stay as busy as possible and stay out of trouble. I really do appreciate everyone's prayers and love. You all are so important to me. No one could ever understand what it's like to be in here and know that everyone one of you is out there supporting me. It feels great. Thank you and have a great holiday!!! Happy 2009!!
Love
Krista
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
A Cup of Cold Water
I thought I knew what compassion was...I thought that I was a sensitive person, I mean after all I was a Christian; I was a pastor’s wife. I have worn a beaten path on the road of sorrow as I have dealt with issues from my own past...surly this made me a caring person. I have to admit, I have found a new level of compassion over the past several years.
Since Krista's incarceration I have met many young women...young women who have made choices that affect not only them but their families as well. Before Krista's situation I never really gave much thought to women in prisons. I figured that they did the crime then they can do the time. I do think there are consequences to actions but I also know that when I was in the pit of my own sin that Jesus did not pass me by. He did not look down on me and tell me that I deserved to go to hell. He looked in love upon me and reached down His hand and lifted me right out of my sinfulness. He gave me that 2nd chance in life.
I want the love of God to shape my life. I want it to seep out of every pore in my body. As I sit in the visiting room and wait for my sweet daughter to walk through that metal door I watch the other inmates. The room is never full, and often it is the same people I saw on my last visit. It fills me with sadness as I realize that out of 800 women behind those walls this handful of people are all who are there to offer support.
One of the women that I see every time is a girl named Renée. Krista buys picture tickets at commissary and Renée comes in to take the pictures. She sits at a table alone as she waits to take the inmate and their families pictures. How many pictures has she taken...pictures of people who cared enough to make the journey to see their daughter, their mother, their grandmother, yet I have never seen anyone visit her. She has been in the prison for years. I don't know her crime, but I know that she needs to know that she has value. The first visit she clicked our pics and I just thanked her. The second visit, I looked at the camera she uses. The next visit, I gave her tips on photography. Now, I know her by name and she shows the poses on the back of the digital camera and asks me what I think. I thank her by name, I chat and I try to let God's love spill over on her as I touch her shoulder, as I bless her. Soon, she will be released after almost 20 years behind bars. My prayer is that as she goes out of those gates she will remember that someone thought she had enough value to spend some time with her, to encourage her, to not be repulsed by the fact she is a felon, to let her know she had value.
There are as many stories as there are faces in that prison. I often think about the walls and what they would say if they could talk. Would they talk about the crimes of their prisoners or would they talk of the cries that are sobbed into a pillow in the middle of the night? In the darkness when the lights are out, the walls are the audience of the quiet prayers, the clutching of the pillows pretending it is their child, and the pleas for retaining their sanity in a place that does not know peace.
When we think of these women do you see scenes of CSI or Law and Order or do you see as the walls do...daughters of crack addicted mothers, fathers who are dead or in prison, women who made bad choices that snowballed, women who became drug mules to pay the rent...choices that landed them in a prison not only physical but emotionally too. Many of these women have no support. They can't understand how Krista ended up there when she was so loved. As she calls on the phone I hear voices in the background..."Love you, Mom" She tells me who each voice is and I tell her to tell them that I love them. For some it is the only love they have...love from me, hopefully from a life shaped by God.
My challenge to you in writing this is to say this: Let God's love shape your life. Ask Him to let you be an instrument in someone else’s life. It doesn't have to be a big production. It is a simple offering of love to someone who so desperately needs it. Look around you; you may be surprised by what you see.
Just a cup of cold water in His name...
Since Krista's incarceration I have met many young women...young women who have made choices that affect not only them but their families as well. Before Krista's situation I never really gave much thought to women in prisons. I figured that they did the crime then they can do the time. I do think there are consequences to actions but I also know that when I was in the pit of my own sin that Jesus did not pass me by. He did not look down on me and tell me that I deserved to go to hell. He looked in love upon me and reached down His hand and lifted me right out of my sinfulness. He gave me that 2nd chance in life.
I want the love of God to shape my life. I want it to seep out of every pore in my body. As I sit in the visiting room and wait for my sweet daughter to walk through that metal door I watch the other inmates. The room is never full, and often it is the same people I saw on my last visit. It fills me with sadness as I realize that out of 800 women behind those walls this handful of people are all who are there to offer support.
One of the women that I see every time is a girl named Renée. Krista buys picture tickets at commissary and Renée comes in to take the pictures. She sits at a table alone as she waits to take the inmate and their families pictures. How many pictures has she taken...pictures of people who cared enough to make the journey to see their daughter, their mother, their grandmother, yet I have never seen anyone visit her. She has been in the prison for years. I don't know her crime, but I know that she needs to know that she has value. The first visit she clicked our pics and I just thanked her. The second visit, I looked at the camera she uses. The next visit, I gave her tips on photography. Now, I know her by name and she shows the poses on the back of the digital camera and asks me what I think. I thank her by name, I chat and I try to let God's love spill over on her as I touch her shoulder, as I bless her. Soon, she will be released after almost 20 years behind bars. My prayer is that as she goes out of those gates she will remember that someone thought she had enough value to spend some time with her, to encourage her, to not be repulsed by the fact she is a felon, to let her know she had value.
There are as many stories as there are faces in that prison. I often think about the walls and what they would say if they could talk. Would they talk about the crimes of their prisoners or would they talk of the cries that are sobbed into a pillow in the middle of the night? In the darkness when the lights are out, the walls are the audience of the quiet prayers, the clutching of the pillows pretending it is their child, and the pleas for retaining their sanity in a place that does not know peace.
When we think of these women do you see scenes of CSI or Law and Order or do you see as the walls do...daughters of crack addicted mothers, fathers who are dead or in prison, women who made bad choices that snowballed, women who became drug mules to pay the rent...choices that landed them in a prison not only physical but emotionally too. Many of these women have no support. They can't understand how Krista ended up there when she was so loved. As she calls on the phone I hear voices in the background..."Love you, Mom" She tells me who each voice is and I tell her to tell them that I love them. For some it is the only love they have...love from me, hopefully from a life shaped by God.
My challenge to you in writing this is to say this: Let God's love shape your life. Ask Him to let you be an instrument in someone else’s life. It doesn't have to be a big production. It is a simple offering of love to someone who so desperately needs it. Look around you; you may be surprised by what you see.
Just a cup of cold water in His name...
Friday, September 26, 2008
Lessons of Faith
I want to thank you all for all the prayers for Krista. It is so comforting to know that people are entering the throne room of God, beseeching Him for my daughters cause and health. Our emotions were all over the place. Trying to function when you just want the world to stop for even a moment. Dealing with sickness is a difficult issue at the best of times, but the prospect of dealing with cancer with your daughter being behind bars is enough to make you wonder if you if can handle another hurdle. A dear friend of mine was faithful in reminding me of Abraham's faith. How that God changed his name before the promise was fulfilled. Abram went from being Abram to Abraham which means Father of many nations.... here was this childless man proclaiming to everyone he came into contact with that he was the father of many nations. That takes a lot of courage... a lot of faith. Faith, believing in what we can not see, touch or feel...believing that the impossible is actually Possible! We say that with Christ all things are possible but do we believe it? Do we proclaim in faith that which we have not seen come to pass yet? I am so guilty...I believe, help thou my unbelief! I tried to have that faith, but moments of fear, worry and panic would overtake my soul. As I thought of Abraham, I remembered that even he had moments of unbelief. He didn't leave the promise in God's hands but took things into his own hands by having relations with his servant. There were consequences of his unbelief yet God did not take His promise away but continued to fulfill it in spite of Abraham's moment of sin. My moments of worry, fear and unbelief had their own consequences as I struggled with panic attacks for a few days. But God has kept His promise... I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has spared Krista... not of her pain, not of prison, not of the past but He spared her very life. The moment He did not allow the gun that was held in her mouth that fateful night to go off...the moment He allowed her to be arrested...in those moments He spared her. He didn't bring her this far to leave her now. I began to feel a peace that God would show up and He did. The biopsy is clear...she is high risk but that Doctor was wrong, she does not have cancer! God is still in control!
Oh, God give me a stubborn faith. A faith to proclaim in spite of not being able to see the results.I was taught a lesson, a lesson of what faith truly is, a lesson that God still shows up as He did so many times before. Look back over your life, the good times and the difficult times. I see ...in the most painful times, the moments of utter loss , the trail of tears, the hard moves of life that God was there all the time. In the times where I was so distraught in my human emotions He was working behind the scenes and because of the veil of pain and loss I could not see.
Frank & I went to see Krista and as I held her in my arms, enfolding her and breathing in her very scent...I praised Him.
Oh, God give me a stubborn faith. A faith to proclaim in spite of not being able to see the results.I was taught a lesson, a lesson of what faith truly is, a lesson that God still shows up as He did so many times before. Look back over your life, the good times and the difficult times. I see ...in the most painful times, the moments of utter loss , the trail of tears, the hard moves of life that God was there all the time. In the times where I was so distraught in my human emotions He was working behind the scenes and because of the veil of pain and loss I could not see.
Frank & I went to see Krista and as I held her in my arms, enfolding her and breathing in her very scent...I praised Him.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
A Call to Prayer
This morning, August 19th started out like any other morning. I fired up the laptop and went to my hotmail account to check my emails. The first one that caught my eye was from Rena. Rena is an inmate in the same prison as Krista. She is one of our "daughters" as we along with some friends are her only support. I clicked on the message and as my eyes moved across the lines it seemed my brain couldn't take in the words. She was telling me that they had taken Krista to R & D...R & D is receiving and departures! Why would they take her there? I read the fear written between the lines in Rena's email and instantly responded back . I asked her to email if she heard anything. If they were moving Krista then word would trickle back to the girls through the guards. Tears began to course down my cheeks as I just felt so helpless. I didn't know what was happening to her, what were they doing? I called Frank at work and instantly he was concerned.
Krista has been told she is going to be able to go to a prison camp but the paper work has not even been started. If she was being moved it wasn't to a prison camp it would be to another prison. They could send her anywhere in the United States. Moving is a stressful experience as you are shackled together with other inmates and your chains are locked to the floor of the plane and your hands to your waist. I woke Jaron, our son, filled him in and he just looked dazed. We just all felt so helpless, so in the dark...a feeling that is so out of control. I called some friends and asked for prayer.
I had to go to work but was in tears. I walked into the shoe department and my manager saw me and instantly came and put her arms around me and asked what was wrong. I sobbed out what I could and went into the back stock room. I needed to get myself under control. I walked to the back of that stock room and sobbed like a baby. I leaned against a metal shelf and just let the tears come. Pent up emotions of fear, the what ifs and the need to be there for my child.
I was putting a shoe on a lady when my cell rang. I excused myself and another worker immediately saw me and took over my customer so I could go in the back. I looked at the face of my cell phone and it said Unavailable I.D ...it was Krista. Her voice came on, quiet, quivering, frightened..."Mom? Mom, they took me to a doctor outside the prison." I asked her why and then I heard an answer that felt like someone socked me in the gut..."Mom, the doctor told me I have cervical cancer!"
The rest of the conversation felt like a blur. She explained the procedure they did today. She told me about being taken in the office in her handcuffs and leg shackles. How she felt so embarrassed as she was led by other patients in the waiting room. She had no clue what she was doing there. She had a pap smear in January and nothing was said. They took her into a room and the guard sat down beside her. The doctor came in and informed Krista that she had cancer. "My jaw hit the floor,Mom!" She went on to tell me how she just felt numb but that the female guard with her began to ask the doctor questions, questions that needed to be asked but Krista was too floored to think to ask.
The bottom line is this...they sent a sample away and within 2 weeks we all will know what stage it is in. The treatment will then be decided.
Krista called again tonight and as she sobbed her fears came out clearly. She is afraid of how advanced it may be and she is afraid she will never be able to bear children. Krista had never wanted anything more than to be a mother.
I told her that we would all pray...
So my friends...I am asking you, Krista is asking you...please pray that this is just an early stage and can be treated easily. This is a call to prayer...a call for God to show up as He has so many times before. I have seen the hand of God save her very life from the brink of death as a loaded cocked pistol was pressed inside her mouth, I have seen God help overcome the darkness that would steal her very soul, I have seen His hand guide the paperwork that sent her to W.V to be with friends who can care for her and I have seen the power of His grace. He has shown Himself in ways I did not recognize until later, I have seen Him in the midst of tears, in laughter, in the complex issues and the simple joys of life...He was there and He is here. I believed Him then, I believe Him now. He gave grace then, He'll pave the road before us with grace and I will wrap His love, mercy and healing around my child who sits behind fences, walls and guard towers!
Krista has been told she is going to be able to go to a prison camp but the paper work has not even been started. If she was being moved it wasn't to a prison camp it would be to another prison. They could send her anywhere in the United States. Moving is a stressful experience as you are shackled together with other inmates and your chains are locked to the floor of the plane and your hands to your waist. I woke Jaron, our son, filled him in and he just looked dazed. We just all felt so helpless, so in the dark...a feeling that is so out of control. I called some friends and asked for prayer.
I had to go to work but was in tears. I walked into the shoe department and my manager saw me and instantly came and put her arms around me and asked what was wrong. I sobbed out what I could and went into the back stock room. I needed to get myself under control. I walked to the back of that stock room and sobbed like a baby. I leaned against a metal shelf and just let the tears come. Pent up emotions of fear, the what ifs and the need to be there for my child.
I was putting a shoe on a lady when my cell rang. I excused myself and another worker immediately saw me and took over my customer so I could go in the back. I looked at the face of my cell phone and it said Unavailable I.D ...it was Krista. Her voice came on, quiet, quivering, frightened..."Mom? Mom, they took me to a doctor outside the prison." I asked her why and then I heard an answer that felt like someone socked me in the gut..."Mom, the doctor told me I have cervical cancer!"
The rest of the conversation felt like a blur. She explained the procedure they did today. She told me about being taken in the office in her handcuffs and leg shackles. How she felt so embarrassed as she was led by other patients in the waiting room. She had no clue what she was doing there. She had a pap smear in January and nothing was said. They took her into a room and the guard sat down beside her. The doctor came in and informed Krista that she had cancer. "My jaw hit the floor,Mom!" She went on to tell me how she just felt numb but that the female guard with her began to ask the doctor questions, questions that needed to be asked but Krista was too floored to think to ask.
The bottom line is this...they sent a sample away and within 2 weeks we all will know what stage it is in. The treatment will then be decided.
Krista called again tonight and as she sobbed her fears came out clearly. She is afraid of how advanced it may be and she is afraid she will never be able to bear children. Krista had never wanted anything more than to be a mother.
I told her that we would all pray...
So my friends...I am asking you, Krista is asking you...please pray that this is just an early stage and can be treated easily. This is a call to prayer...a call for God to show up as He has so many times before. I have seen the hand of God save her very life from the brink of death as a loaded cocked pistol was pressed inside her mouth, I have seen God help overcome the darkness that would steal her very soul, I have seen His hand guide the paperwork that sent her to W.V to be with friends who can care for her and I have seen the power of His grace. He has shown Himself in ways I did not recognize until later, I have seen Him in the midst of tears, in laughter, in the complex issues and the simple joys of life...He was there and He is here. I believed Him then, I believe Him now. He gave grace then, He'll pave the road before us with grace and I will wrap His love, mercy and healing around my child who sits behind fences, walls and guard towers!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Only a Boy
He is 10 years old. A child, a beautiful blonde haired , blue eyed boy named Logan. A little boy who loves a girl named Krista. The feeling is mutual. His mother, Laurie is my best friend. His sister, Kelly is Krista's best friend.
It was a night that we would laugh about for years to come. Laurie told Krista she needed to tell her something. Krista saw a serious face on this second mother of hers and her heart raced. Something was wrong. Laurie told Krista she had been to the doctor and had a condition. Krista began to cry, sure she was going to hear bad news....only to find out that Laurie and her husband , Pat were expecting a baby. Her 12 year old eyes lit up with excitment and in the midst of her tears a smile spread across her face. From the moment Logan entered this world, Krista was crazy about him. She loved him as if he was her own little brother and he loved her.
Krista moved to the states in April of 2004 and she came home for Christmas. We didn't tell Logan but planned to surprise him. Finally the day came that she came home. We drove out to their farm and down the road a ways we pulled over and stopped the car. I popped the trunk and Krista climbed in. We closed the trunk and drove into the yard. I hurried into the house and told Logan ,who was about 6 years old, that I had a present for him in my trunk. We went out and I opened the trunk and Krista sat up...he screamed and threw himself into the trunk with her.
That next year she was arrested the beginning of December. Christmas was coming. In the midst of her tears and the uncertainity of life she was worried about a Christmas present for Logan. I bought him a soft stuffed polar bear. I wrapped a box in brown paper and addressed it to him. He knew that she was in jail but was thrilled when his mother brought the package into the house. He opened the present and hugged the bear. He has slept with the bear for the past 3 years...every single night. A nightly ritual has developed as he goes to bed...he has a picture of Krista beside his bed , he looks at it and says good night to her and snuggles with his bear. His "Krista Bear".
She has stayed in contact as he writes her and talks to her on the phone. She sends him letters with pictures she draws. Her fear is that he will forget her...it has been 3 years since he saw her.
Just a few weeks ago Pat , Laurie , Logan & I made the trip to go see her. We wondered how it would go...would he be shy? Would he be scared in a prison? Krista worried that he would be upset. We got into the visitation room and Logan asked for a roll of quarters. He wanted his own money to buy Krista treats from the vending machine. He slipped the coins in his pockets and watched for the door to open that would allow her to come in. It swung open and she walked in...a smile across her face as Logan rushed towards her. His arms open wide as he hugged her. She bent over to embrace him as she wept. He held on and snuggled into her arms. We all cried. The bond was there. We sat at a table and he sat as close as he could. His blue eyes so alive as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of coins. "Want a treat, Krista?" he asked. She smiled as she nodded. They got up and went towards the vending machine hand in hand. She stopped at the point she could go no further, he let go of her hand and without missing a beat he asked her what she wanted.
It was a week end of laughter, of tears , of stories, of watching a little boy bring so much joy into a young woman's heart. The other women inmates were taken with this handsome boy who was so loving. They talked to him and he responded with the ease of someone who doesn't know judgment but only unconditional love. They smiled and you could see the lines of worry and pain leave their faces for just a moment...he is only a boy but he taught a lesson that many need to learn. A lesson in loving. He went to the motel that night and from his suitcase he pulled out a special item he had brought from home...his "Krista Bear".
It was a night that we would laugh about for years to come. Laurie told Krista she needed to tell her something. Krista saw a serious face on this second mother of hers and her heart raced. Something was wrong. Laurie told Krista she had been to the doctor and had a condition. Krista began to cry, sure she was going to hear bad news....only to find out that Laurie and her husband , Pat were expecting a baby. Her 12 year old eyes lit up with excitment and in the midst of her tears a smile spread across her face. From the moment Logan entered this world, Krista was crazy about him. She loved him as if he was her own little brother and he loved her.
Krista moved to the states in April of 2004 and she came home for Christmas. We didn't tell Logan but planned to surprise him. Finally the day came that she came home. We drove out to their farm and down the road a ways we pulled over and stopped the car. I popped the trunk and Krista climbed in. We closed the trunk and drove into the yard. I hurried into the house and told Logan ,who was about 6 years old, that I had a present for him in my trunk. We went out and I opened the trunk and Krista sat up...he screamed and threw himself into the trunk with her.
That next year she was arrested the beginning of December. Christmas was coming. In the midst of her tears and the uncertainity of life she was worried about a Christmas present for Logan. I bought him a soft stuffed polar bear. I wrapped a box in brown paper and addressed it to him. He knew that she was in jail but was thrilled when his mother brought the package into the house. He opened the present and hugged the bear. He has slept with the bear for the past 3 years...every single night. A nightly ritual has developed as he goes to bed...he has a picture of Krista beside his bed , he looks at it and says good night to her and snuggles with his bear. His "Krista Bear".
She has stayed in contact as he writes her and talks to her on the phone. She sends him letters with pictures she draws. Her fear is that he will forget her...it has been 3 years since he saw her.
Just a few weeks ago Pat , Laurie , Logan & I made the trip to go see her. We wondered how it would go...would he be shy? Would he be scared in a prison? Krista worried that he would be upset. We got into the visitation room and Logan asked for a roll of quarters. He wanted his own money to buy Krista treats from the vending machine. He slipped the coins in his pockets and watched for the door to open that would allow her to come in. It swung open and she walked in...a smile across her face as Logan rushed towards her. His arms open wide as he hugged her. She bent over to embrace him as she wept. He held on and snuggled into her arms. We all cried. The bond was there. We sat at a table and he sat as close as he could. His blue eyes so alive as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a roll of coins. "Want a treat, Krista?" he asked. She smiled as she nodded. They got up and went towards the vending machine hand in hand. She stopped at the point she could go no further, he let go of her hand and without missing a beat he asked her what she wanted.
It was a week end of laughter, of tears , of stories, of watching a little boy bring so much joy into a young woman's heart. The other women inmates were taken with this handsome boy who was so loving. They talked to him and he responded with the ease of someone who doesn't know judgment but only unconditional love. They smiled and you could see the lines of worry and pain leave their faces for just a moment...he is only a boy but he taught a lesson that many need to learn. A lesson in loving. He went to the motel that night and from his suitcase he pulled out a special item he had brought from home...his "Krista Bear".
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
No Manual
There isn't a manual available for parents with children in prison. There is no layout on the proper things to do, to say or how to cope with the pain. When my cell phone rings and I see in the window "Unavailable ID" my heart flutters. I am so happy to know that she is okay because she is on the other end of the line but I also have to take a deep breath because I don't know what I am going to be facing.
Her days are filled with chaos and noise. Women talking, doors banging and tempers flaring. She is in a women's prison that is overcrowded, there is no room and now they have begun to lock them down even earlier. Krista has been living in the bus stop for the past 6 weeks or so. She and Rena moved to Val's unit so they could be housed in the same building. Last winter was tough as in order to see Val they would have to stand outside in the cold. You can't go in a building that is not your own. There was one bed open and the two girls. Krista called "I'm in the bus stop , Mom." The bus stop is a large room that houses 14 to 15 women. They share one toilet that is located in the cell. It is not a fun place to be...locked down at night with these women.
I asked her why she is in the bus stop. She tells me there was one bed available and she knew Rena would not be able to handle living with all those women. Krista took a deep breath. "So, I went into the bus stop." My heart felt heavy. I knew this could be a long ordeal. What do I say?
There is no manual for what to say...how can I tell her it would be alright, it sounded so cliche.
I cleared my throat and wiped the tears away..."I know it will be hard, honey. I am proud of you for doing what was best for your friend. We will pray that a room opens up."
I question myself as I wait for her reply...did I comfort her, did I make her feel alright? How can anyone feel alright in a place like prison. Her reply "Thanks mom. It will be okay."
Phone calls and tears. The bus stop is a hard place to adjust too. A woman in there has a disease that Krista fears and at night she moans and scratchs herself until she draws blood. The phone rings...caller: Unavailable I.D . "I can't sleep , Mom. They are never quiet. They don't have jobs yet and I do. I have to get up early."
No manual to tell me what to say...this isn't a rooming situation where you can just politely ask someone to be quiet. you are in a room of women who are detoxing and smell so horrible. This is a room that holds drug dealers, murderers, bank robbers and the list goes on. Krista has had to learn to walk that fine line of standing up for herself without causing a big situation.
Sometimes the phone rings and her voice tells me so much. Her frustration level is so high and she is afraid she will just lose it. She can't make it another day...there is no manual for how you tell your child, your sweet daughter that she will be okay in prison. I try to assure that we are here for her, that she is very loved and she is going to be okay.
There is no human manual on what to do but there is a road map to guide us through this valley of tears. God's Word gives us the hope that keeps our feet moving. It gives us the words to bless our girls in that prison and to picture a future for them.
Last night the phone rang : "Unavailable I.D". I answered..."Hello Sweetie" and I heard a voice, a sweet voice that you could tell was smiling "I got out of the bus stop today!"
Her days are filled with chaos and noise. Women talking, doors banging and tempers flaring. She is in a women's prison that is overcrowded, there is no room and now they have begun to lock them down even earlier. Krista has been living in the bus stop for the past 6 weeks or so. She and Rena moved to Val's unit so they could be housed in the same building. Last winter was tough as in order to see Val they would have to stand outside in the cold. You can't go in a building that is not your own. There was one bed open and the two girls. Krista called "I'm in the bus stop , Mom." The bus stop is a large room that houses 14 to 15 women. They share one toilet that is located in the cell. It is not a fun place to be...locked down at night with these women.
I asked her why she is in the bus stop. She tells me there was one bed available and she knew Rena would not be able to handle living with all those women. Krista took a deep breath. "So, I went into the bus stop." My heart felt heavy. I knew this could be a long ordeal. What do I say?
There is no manual for what to say...how can I tell her it would be alright, it sounded so cliche.
I cleared my throat and wiped the tears away..."I know it will be hard, honey. I am proud of you for doing what was best for your friend. We will pray that a room opens up."
I question myself as I wait for her reply...did I comfort her, did I make her feel alright? How can anyone feel alright in a place like prison. Her reply "Thanks mom. It will be okay."
Phone calls and tears. The bus stop is a hard place to adjust too. A woman in there has a disease that Krista fears and at night she moans and scratchs herself until she draws blood. The phone rings...caller: Unavailable I.D . "I can't sleep , Mom. They are never quiet. They don't have jobs yet and I do. I have to get up early."
No manual to tell me what to say...this isn't a rooming situation where you can just politely ask someone to be quiet. you are in a room of women who are detoxing and smell so horrible. This is a room that holds drug dealers, murderers, bank robbers and the list goes on. Krista has had to learn to walk that fine line of standing up for herself without causing a big situation.
Sometimes the phone rings and her voice tells me so much. Her frustration level is so high and she is afraid she will just lose it. She can't make it another day...there is no manual for how you tell your child, your sweet daughter that she will be okay in prison. I try to assure that we are here for her, that she is very loved and she is going to be okay.
There is no human manual on what to do but there is a road map to guide us through this valley of tears. God's Word gives us the hope that keeps our feet moving. It gives us the words to bless our girls in that prison and to picture a future for them.
Last night the phone rang : "Unavailable I.D". I answered..."Hello Sweetie" and I heard a voice, a sweet voice that you could tell was smiling "I got out of the bus stop today!"
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